Unresolved conflicts can significantly impact the health and longevity of relationships. Drawing on over 20 years of experience as a Couples Psychologist, Madonna Hirning, the first Certified Gottman Therapist on the Sunshine Coast, applies evidence-based methods to help couples effectively manage and overcome their relationship challenges.
Learning to manage conflict better as a couple is essential for a healthy relationship. Professional help can teach you effective communication skills and transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection. Couples therapy can be life changing and really integral in helping couples improve their relationship dynamics.
According to research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, relationship satisfaction can significantly decline over time when conflicts remain unresolved. Their studies show that about 2/3 of couples experience deterioration in relationship satisfaction within just the first three years of a major life change when they don't effectively manage conflicts.
Don’t let conflict ruin your relationship.
In this blog post on relationship conflict management, we cover:
The foundations of effective communication and active listening techniques
How to identify and address the Gottman Therapy "Four Horsemen" of relationship conflict (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling)
Strategies for managing emotional overwhelm during conflicts
Post-conflict repair techniques and reconciliation methods
Practical approaches for moving forward and strengthening relationships through conflict resolution
1. The Foundation: Effective Communication
Talking and perspective-sharing
Understanding your partner's unique perspective creates deeper emotional connections through validation and helps couples see situations from multiple angles. This approach provides a safe environment for couples to express their needs and feelings while reducing conflict.
Active listening techniques and their importance in a relationship
Why is Active Listening Important?
Shows respect and engagement through full attention
Creates deeper understanding and emotional connection
Provides safe space for open communication
Examples of Active Listening
Be fully present - put away phones and minimise distractions
Don't try to solve problems or offer advice - just listen and show empathy
Share in your partner's emotions when they express feelings
Allow your partner to vent without interrupting or becoming defensive
Focus on understanding rather than preparing your response
2. Recognising Destructive Patterns
Learn to identify the "Four Horsemen". According to Gottman Therapy, the Four Horsemen of conflict are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These destructive communication patterns can escalate conflicts and damage relationships if not addressed. Learning how to manage conflict effectively is essential for happy healthy marriages and relationships.
Here are examples of the Four Horsemen in relationship conflicts:
Examples of Criticism:
"You never help with the housework. You're so lazy!"
"You always make us late. You don't care about anyone but yourself."
Examples of Contempt:
"You're such an idiot. I can't believe I have to explain this again."
Rolling eyes, sneering, or mocking your partner's feelings
Examples of Defensiveness:
"It's not my fault! You're the one who always starts these arguments!"
"Well, you do the same thing, so why are you complaining?"
Examples of Stonewalling:
Giving the silent treatment
Physically leaving the room during arguments without explanation
By learning to recognise these destructive patterns early, couples can pause, reset, and choose more constructive ways to communicate before conflicts escalate. Remember, awareness is the first step toward positive change in relationship dynamics.
3. Managing Emotional Overwhelm
According to Gottman Therapy, emotional overwhelm or "emotional flooding" occurs when emotions become so intense during conflict that they interfere with a couple's ability to respond calmly and effectively. When couples experience emotional overwhelm, their stress levels increase and their ability to communicate productively diminishes. Learning to recognise the signs of emotional flooding and developing techniques for taking effective breaks during conflicts are essential skills for managing these overwhelming moments.
Physical signs of emotional flooding include:
Increased heart rate and rapid breathing
Feeling hot or flushed in the face and neck
Muscle tension, especially in shoulders and jaw
Difficulty focusing or processing what your partner is saying
For example, during an argument about finances, you might notice your heart racing, hands shaking, and difficulty forming clear thoughts. These physical responses can make it challenging to engage in productive dialogue and often signal it's time to take a break from the discussion.
Gentle Ways to Navigate Emotional Overwhelm:
When emotions feel intense, let your partner know you need a mindful pause (20-30 minutes) to restore calm and perspective
Practice self-care activities that help you reconnect with yourself, like mindful breathing or a peaceful walk
Approach your partner with warmth when you're ready: "I'm feeling more centred now. Would you be open to continuing our conversation?"
4. The Art of Repair - How to Make Up after a Fight
In Gottman Therapy, the art of repair is about those post fight/conflict moments when couples reach out to each other after conflicts. It's those small but meaningful gestures - a gentle touch, a kind word that help rebuild connection.
In Madonna’s experience, when both partners are open to making and receiving these repair attempts, they create a stronger, more resilient bond together. Here’s some examples:
Example 1: The Gentle Reconnection
After an argument about household chores, Partner A notices Partner B looking sad while doing dishes. Partner A approaches gently and says, "I know that conversation was tough, we’ve had a rough day. I appreciate how much you do for our home. Would you like some help?" Partner B accepts this repair attempt by offering a small smile, accepting the offer of help.
Example 2: The Humour Bridge
During a tense discussion about in-laws, Partner A recognises the escalating tension and uses a humour bridge from a shared experience: "Remember that time we both got lost trying to find your parents' new house? We were quite a team even when frustrated." Partner B laughs, acknowledging this repair attempt, and the tension dissipates enough to continue the discussion more constructively.
5. Moving Forward Together As A Couple
Moving forward together after conflict requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to growth. When couples embrace their challenges as opportunities to strengthen their bond, they can build a more resilient relationship.
While it may be tempting to sweep conflicts under the rug and pretend they never happened, this approach can be damaging to relationships in several ways - Unresolved issues tend to resurface later, often with increased intensity.
Taking the Next Step in Your Relationship Journey
Navigating relationship challenges becomes significantly more manageable with professional guidance. As a Certified Gottman Therapist, Madonna Hirning provides a safe, structured environment where couples can express themselves openly and develop effective communication strategies. If you're experiencing recurring conflicts or notice the Four Horsemen in your relationship, taking action now can prevent small issues from escalating into major problems.
Two powerful ways to strengthen your relationship:
Schedule a personalised couples therapy session with Madonna at the Sunshine Coast Couples Clinic - Book Here
Join our transformative Couples Workshop 2025 where you'll learn practical tools and strategies alongside other couples over a 2 day period.
As the first Certified Gottman Therapist on the Sunshine Coast, Madonna brings over two decades of experience to help couples transform their relationships. Don't wait to invest in your relationship's future - reach out today.
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