Infidelity and Betrayal

Betrayal in a relationship can take many different forms – from a physical and emotional

affair to an emotional affair or hidden friendship. Any friendship or relationship which is kept

largely hidden from their partner is likely to be experienced by the partner as a betrayal.

Sometimes affairs or hidden “friendships” develop during a period of disconnect within the

relationship and then become the source of comfort, connection and emotional sharing for

that person thereby blocking reconnection or addressing of issues with their partner.

Discovering that infidelity or betrayal has occurred within a relationship is usually

experienced by the betrayed partner as a trauma and will often experience triggers in

relation to the betrayal which can continue to be experienced long term but can be assisted

by ongoing empathy and understanding from the partner.

For the partner who has betrayed their partner and is wanting to repair their relationship

• Take responsibility for your actions and be sure to cease all contact with the person involved in the infidelity

• Seek specialised help as a couple to work through the betrayal trauma

• Be patient with your partner and understand that the shock of discovery of betrayal is extremely traumatic and confusing and likely to result in intense anger and lots of questions which can be unsettling and overwhelming at times.

• Try not to rush your partner through their processing of betrayal and avoid phrases such as it’s time to move on or get over it.

• Prepare for the long game

• Whilst you are likely to have your own feelings around the betrayal which could include shame or guilt – it is important to tune in to your partner’s experience and not let your guilt and shame get I the way of being there for their hurt.

• Know that while there were likely underlying issues within the relationship that may have contributed to the betrayal occurring, choosing to turn outside the relationship rather than confront or address the issues, seek help, or leave the relationship is a choice you made and a choice that has caused hurt and trauma to your partner. 

For the betrayed partner

• It is natural to feel a lot of really big feelings – shock, intense anger, confusion and devastation. You may even feel like you are going to go a little crazy.

• - It is natural to question if the relationship can or should be saved and if you will ever be able to trust your partner again.

• It is important to know that trust is a verb and not something that can be restored with words. Your partner will need to earn your trust and display their willingness to repair the devastation of the betrayal and actively work to address the underlying issues within the relationship to ensure nothing like this happens again in the future.

• You may start to  repair the relationship and based on your partner’s lack of commitment to the  process or to healing the hurt decide that leaving the relationship is the best choice for you. 

Recovery and repair from infidelity is possible, however specialised help may be needed to work through some of these factors. It is important to seek a couples therapist skilled and experienced in  betrayal recovery and in an evidence based form of couples therapy.

Things other than hidden relationships which can result in a feeling of betrayal within a relationship include events or issues relating to money or drugs/alcohol or other addiction, prioritising or sharing relationship information with close friends or family members.

Madonna Hirning - Certified Gottman Couples Therapist

Author - Sunshine Coast Couples Clinic